An Eternal Divine Love Affair!

Now follows a beautiful sacred sharing of a life-transforming mystical intimate incident from the life of Paramahamsa Nithyananda narrated in His own words!

Many sadhus and sannyasis will come and go in my native place Arunachala.


Temple town of Tiruvannamalai
Temple town of Tiruvannamalai

Whenever I saw any sadhu my first job would be to catch hold of them and try to learn something from them and serve them in whatever way I can.
Behind the Arunachaleshwara temple there is a small mandapa, like a four pillared hall; and below that there used to be an entrance like a cave.

Arunagiri Yogeeshwara mandap
Arunagiri Yogeeshwara mandap

The ‘cave’ in Arunagiri Yogeeshwara mandap
The ‘cave’ in Arunagiri Yogeeshwara mandap


Mahashivaratri 2012: Swamiji with His disciples performing puja at the samadhi of Arunagiri Yogeeshwara
Mahashivaratri 2012: Swamiji with His disciples performing puja at the samadhi of Arunagiri Yogeeshwara

One day I saw a sadhu coming out of that place. It is not like a big entrance, it is a small entrance. I used to think it is an entrance, a very dark cave-like structure. He was a very young sadhu, very bright and shining. All the great qualities of tejas, spiritual illumination, I could see in him.

He came out, and the moment I saw him, I touched his feet and started talking to him and he was sitting and talking with me. I felt really connected, very connected, in two or three days itself. Then it became like my routine - every day I would come, because that is the way I had to go to school.

In Indian village schools, attendance will be given based on your school bag! The moment kids enter they will all go to the prayer hall, leaving the school bag in the classroom. The watchman will come and check the school bags. If some boy’s bag is not there the watchman will go to his house and bring that boy! There will be two or three people just for this purpose! If the school bag is not there they know the child is not there. They will go to his house and bring that child.

To avoid this drama of the watchman going to my house, I would send my bag with one of my classmates. I had an agreement with this fellow; this was around the time I had my enlightenment experience.

In the morning I would come out of my house saying that I am going to the school, but on the way I would go to this boy’s house and hand over the bag. His responsibility was to keep that bag exactly in my chair and see that the watchman who takes the accounts sees it!

In return, I had to return a favor. Those days I had these small ‘miracle powers’. I would materialize some chocolates and give it to him! From few of the swamis with whom I lived, I had picked up some of these small siddhis. If this classmate had not done the homework that day, I had to make the maths teacher fall sick! He would come and tell me,
‘Today I have not done my homework, take care that the maths teacher doesn’t come to school.
‘Alright let him have diarrhea!’ And the maths teacher would have diarrhea...!

So these kind of small favors I had to do for him! And we both had a good understanding. One nice and very rare thing this fellow did, that even surprised me, was that he kept a diary of his happenings with me. Soon we will be publishing that. Just if you read it, it will be such an amazing reminiscence! He says how many times he asked and what I made to happen, and whatever did not happen, of everything he has accounts in his diary!

Anyhow…this is the deal and everyday morning I would come and give the notebook to him. He would take it and keep it and attendance would be given in the school, but I would not be in the school. I would be sitting with this sadhu! So deeply I felt connected with this sadhu that he became my closest relationship.

This is such a wonderful story. Because it’s a solid experience, an authentic experience coming from the source. Even if you have a problem with your logic believing this story, don’t bother; you will see the trust happens in you! You will see the effect of this truth.

Whenever you listen to great truths, there will be an effect happening inside you. Usually only if you believe it, that effect will happen in you. Now I tell you, you don’t have to even bother about this, because it is coming from the authentic direct source which has experienced. So even if you don’t believe, even if you are fighting with your logic to believe, don’t bother; that effect will happen in you! That effect will happen in you.

It was such a sweet relationship! It become my very closest, sweetest,strongest relationship. Everyday I would throw my school-bag and come and sit with him. He would be talking something…so many different things. When it became evening, I would tell him, ‘Alright I’m going home.’ Then he would tell ‘ok’ and enter back into the cave. Again the next day when I came back I would call out, ‘O swami!’ Then he would come out and we would sit and talk.

There’s a very beautiful Upanishadic story. There was a small bird sitting on a tree, eating bitter fruits and sweet fruits. When he eats the bitter fruit, he feels suffering and pain. When he eats the sweet fruits, he feels the joy. There was another big bird sitting just above on a higher branch. That bird was neither eating nor spitting out the fruits. No pain no pleasure; he was just sitting.

This small bird was sometimes eating the sweet and sometimes eating the bitter fruit. Whenever he eats the bitter fruits he says, ‘Oh life is pain!’ And he would look up and see that big bird. He would say, ‘Oh God! See that bird; so peaceful, so quiet, not having pain like me; let me go to that bird.’ He would slowly start going towards that bird. After few minutes, on the way, he would get tempted by the sweet fruits. He would eat the sweet fruit and stop going towards that bird.

After 2-3 sweet fruits naturally he would land on a bitter fruit. Then immediately he would remember, ‘No, no, no! Life is pain! I am suffering; I have to go back…’ Then he would again look up and start going near that big bird.

And the story says, jumping again and again like this, the bird wasted a few hundred years. Finally when he tasted the worst fruit, he said, ‘No! No more opening the mouth! Enough, done!’ Then in the ultimate frustration he spits out what is in his mouth and takes a strong decision. He goes towards that big bird, to be with that bird itself.

When he went near that bird and touched him, suddenly this small bird realized that the aura or the energy around that big bird is slowly engulfing him also. Slowly, slowly, he saw he is not a separate bird; he is just a shadow of that big bird. He was always thinking he was a separate bird, but he was never a separate bird. The moment he realized that, the shadow disappeared into the big bird!

It is a wonderful Upanishadic story! I can say what the relationship was between that small bird and the big bird, how intense it would have been - the exact same relationship was between me and that swami. It was a very powerful relationship.

Many times I would feel, ‘Why has sunset happened? I have to go back home.’ So one day finally I cried to him, ‘See, I have to go back every day. I don’t want to leave. Why don’t you let me stay with you?’

He said, ‘Staying with me? Do you know I am a swami?’

I said, ‘I will also become swami!’

He laughed and said, ‘Alright, I will give you sannyas.’

I did not understand sannyas and all those things. All I knew was he promised that I could stay with him! It was such a deep relationship. I was ready.

He told me to come next day. I went mentally prepared and ready. For the first time, he asked me to come inside his cave. He opened the cave and called me inside. I went inside. Suddenly I saw there was another opening to go out and a huge banyan tree under which some elderly swamis were sitting. Maybe his disciples…I didn’t understand. He straight went and sat in his seat. All the old disciples were sitting below.

I was clearly able to understand that he is the guru, because the body language of the other persons showed that he is the guru. Young and shining with a rudraksha and kavi and jatta (means the hair). He went straight to his seat, and the moment he sat, I fell at his feet, and I also sat. Then he introduced me, ‘This boy is from our place; he wants sannyas. That’s why I brought him here today.’ Then all the elderly sadhus all smiled and welcomed me like they were receiving, accepting into the family.

A few of them casually shared one or two words with me. Suddenly I saw that one sadhu, an elderly sadhu was asked to bring a kavi (orange robe). One kavi was brought, and the main swami, the young swami, the guru, he just gave that kavi to me! It was such a joy, such an ecstasy to receive the kavi, I just took it and fell at his feet! He blessed me and gave the energy darshan - very strong experience in ecstasy.

Arunagiri Yogeeshwara Shawl
Arunagiri Yogeeshwara Shawl

He said, ‘Alright, let’s go back.’

I said, ‘Ok,’ and he brought me back the same way he opened the cave.

I came out and he said, ‘Alright, now we will see you tomorrow.’

I said, ‘I wanted to be with you, that’s why I took sannyas!’

He said, ‘No, no it’s okay, just for few days you live around here. I will be with you, don’t bother.’

I didn’t want to push him too much. I thought that whatever he says must be right, so I just dropped it.

I went straight to the place where one of my great inspirations, one of my acharyas, Kuppamal was staying.

Mataji Vibhudananda Devi (Kuppammal)
Mataji Vibhudananda Devi (Kuppammal)

Mataji Vibhudananda Devi (Kuppammal) with Swamiji
Mataji Vibhudananda Devi (Kuppammal) with Swamiji


I went to her place and I told her, ‘Amma, amma, one swami gave me sannyas and gave me this kavi. It was a simple transaction.’

She had the shock of her life! ‘What! you got sannyas!’ She knows the meaning, the depth of it. She shouted, surprised, ‘You got sannyas! Who gave you?’

There used to be some rumors that sadhus give sannyas to young kids and take them away. She thought somebody was trying to do the same thing with me, and she told me to show her who that person is. I thought, ‘Why not? Let’s go. I’ll show you.’

I took her to the temple to the same place where everyday I would meet that swami. I went there and stood and shouted, ‘Swami! Swami!’ There was no reply.

She asked me, ‘Hey! What are you standing here and shouting? Whom you are calling?’

I said, ‘I am calling that swami because he stays in this cave only. He will come out and talk to me.’

She said, ‘Fool! What are you saying? Who is staying there, and where is the cave?’

I said, ‘No, no! Everyday the swami comes from here. I used to sit and talk to him. He took me inside his cave and gave the me the kavi. I have called him just now. He will come, wait.’

We waited for some more time but nobody came. I shouted again, ‘Swami! Swami!’

She started suspecting that I stole the cloth from somewhere. She did not even suspect that some swami really gave it to me. She started suspecting that I stole that cloth from some shop. You see, in India, if kids steal they will be beaten. So she thought I stole it, and now I am afraid of the punishment, so I am telling some stories! That’s what she first thought.

Then she asked me, ‘Hey tell me clearly, from which shop did you steal the cloth?’

I said, ‘No. I have not stolen it, this swami gave it.’

Then she asked, ‘What! Did you give any money to that swami? Or did that swami want to take you with him?’

I said ‘No, no! I only wanted to go with him but he is not taking me.’

She started digging into the matter. I felt, ‘Why is she doing this?’ Because she is a very loving lady, never an inquiring type or forcing type. But here I saw a totally different face.

She is enquiring and literally trying to get information out of my mouth, totally agitated. I told her, ‘That swami came out of this cave and gave me the cloth.’

She is not a person who will beat me. But she pulled my ears, still I remember. She just dragged me with my ears and in front of that small opening where I used to see him coming out. She just said, ‘To whom are you lying?’

For the first time I put my hand on the stone and pushed it.
I saw that it is not an opening, it is just a small dent in the rock, that’s all!

It was a big shock to me to find that there is neither cave nor door! So nobody can go into or come out of that place.

Understand, I am talking exactly as it happened.

This shock was too big for me. I started crying. The tears started rolling, because now it appeared as if I was telling a lie. Kuppammal started telling me that I have stolen this cloth, I was trying to hide something big.

Then I started justifying, ‘If I have to hide why will I come and tell you?! Why will I show you this cloth?’ I was crying.

Then she said, ‘Call that swami.’

I started shouting in tears, ‘Why are you not coming? See, she is blaming me, saying that I am a liar!’

Suddenly I understood: not only is he not coming out now - he is never going to appear now!

Kuppammal warned me, ‘You have to tell me the truth within twenty-four hours. Don’t try to tell all these stories to me. That’s all!’ we moved out. Again I came back to that same place and cried out, but nobody came out.

Another big thing that happened inside me was, I felt like I shouldn’t have told this to Kuppammal… I felt that it was because I told this to her that the swami was not coming out.

I felt that in my intimate relationship with him I brought in a third person. A third person was now involved, so there was that big confusion and fear.

But Kuppammal was very intelligent. She was just waiting to see what I would do. She saw that again I am coming back to that same place, avoiding her.

She followed me secretly to see where I am going. She came and she was standing behind, and she saw that I am honest in my words because I am telling the same thing without even knowing that she is around me.

Then she said, ‘See, now I really feel what you are saying has something. Tell me the truth, who came, how he looked, what is his name…’

I described to her this is the way he used to open the stone and come out. I told her he was young, wearing a rudraksha and jata (matted hair), a shining bright young swami with kavi.

She asked me, ‘What is the name he told you?’

I said, ‘Oh, his name?…when I asked him he said Arunagiri Yogeshwara.’

That’s all, that one word - and she who is my grandmother’s age and my inspiration, acharya, practically my guru, fell at my feet and cried! Because Arunagiri Yogeeshwara is Shiva Himself! His samadhi is there under that cave! I never knew that the samadhi was there under that cave. But Kuppammal knew it.

It was a shock; she fell flat at my feet and cried, ‘O God! People are waiting to have one glimpse - and here He is coming out and playing with you!’

It was at least a six to nine month relationship. We found this out later based on my school attendance record! Fortunately we got the school attendance record, from there we picked up how many days I had bunked school! With that, we were able to get the time and date.

Kuppammal started weeping profusely, ‘People are just waiting and meditating, here He is playing with you, living with you!’ And she touched that kavi cloth.

We still have that cloth in the ashram archives. I sent a bit of that cloth for forensic testing, and the result said that it is not made out of any physical material available on planet earth! Understand, it has not come out of the physical plane; it has come from a different plane. We are trying to do some more research before opening it to the public. But the cloth is still there.  

Kuppammal was crying. But for me it was a very big missing. I felt like I had lost him just because of my big mouth! I had never expected this kind of a turn in such a deep relationship. It was such a deep suffering. It was practically like some part of you is missing… that kind of suffering.

Anyhow…it became very late in the evening, and the temple authorities started cleaning the temple, getting it ready for next day. So they started telling the people to move out. We came out and she told me, ‘Alright, go and rest. We will talk later.’ She went to rest, but I was not able to rest. I had the deep suffering, deep pain. I ran back to the temple.

The cleaning people are all very close friends of mine because I used to do lot of volunteer service for the temple. When they clean the temple, you have to hold the water hose, for which some kids are required. For that job, they can’t get labor! You see, it’s not an official job, you don’t need any skill for that job. So they get all these volunteer kids for holding the pipe. They would ask us to stand with the pipe to put the water.

So I went back saying that I will do some service. I got inside the temple using this reason, even though late in the night they don’t allow people into the temple. I went into the temple and went straight to the same place where I used to have the swami’s darshan.

I started weeping profusely, crying, ‘I will not tell Kuppammal anymore. I made a big mistake by telling her. Please come out and don’t be angry. I want to see you at least once more. I’ll not do this mistake anymore, save me! Just come, if I see you once more also, that’s enough, at least I’ll know that you are not angry with me. You don’t have to keep me so close because I know I have made a mistake, but at least let me know you are not angry with me!’

It was such an intense pain and suffering, I cried, cried, cried, I can say the whole being was crying. At one point the tears ran dry, there was no emotion even to weep. If there is only suffering you can cry, even that was exhausted. Over, everything was over. Nothing more could be done.

You see, when you remember a loving relationship, you will feel joy naturally. When you remember the pain that you lost it, you will feel the pain naturally. Only as long as that joy is there, the pain will be there. If the pain is there, the joy will be there, both are interconnected. When the pain is exhausted, the joy is also exhausted, that memory is not there.

The remembrance of that joyful relationship exhausted all the punya, the merit. And the suffering that I missed or betrayed him…I really felt that I betrayed him because I told what his relationship was, or what he gave me, to somebody else. It was a feeling of having betrayed him. That idea, that suffering that I had betrayed him, took away all the sins, paapa.

There was neither the joy of the relationship nor the suffering that I had missed him. It was complete blankness. Slowly I got up from the place. I thought, I am in the temple, at least let me go to the main shrine and have darshan of the deity.

See, the main shrine is a Shivalinga like the Nithyanandeshwara linga in our temple. Our Nithyanandeshwara is replica of that deity, that Shivalinga there. Just behind the main shrine is the Samadhi of Arunagiri Yogeeshwara. That is where I was lying. I came out, thinking that I will at least go and see the Shiva, the deity. At least I’ll have darshan.

Finally… after you really cry there will be a kind of silence in you… I was in that kind of mood. I slowly walked up to the main shrine, the sanctum sanctorum and stood there. I started praying to Shiva, ‘O Shiva! I betrayed a swami…I cheated a swami, please forgive me! It was such a wonderful relationship I missed, please do something!’

Intensely I was praying. I prayed and opened my eyes. I opened my eyes, I saw the same swami sitting on the shivalingam, in the garbha mandir, in the temple. It was such a clear experience…understand, it was not a feeling, it was a clear experience… I knew I am he, he is me!
Nithyananda merges into Arunagiri Yogeeshwara!
Nithyananda merges into Arunagiri Yogeeshwara!